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BRIEF INTERVIEWS Simpson vs. C.U. |
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| We here in Boulder have been getting emails from as far away as Clemson, South Carolina asking us what the hell is going on at Colorado University. A few weeks ago, charges were brought against the institution’s athletic department for using sex and alcohol to lure recruits into the ailing football program. Three women came forward, alleging they were each raped at a team party in December of 2001. Amongst the plaintiffs was one Lisa Simpson, whom we believed to be the same yellow-skinned child TV star best loved for her political savvy and skill with the saxophone. What the hell was Lisa, a practicing Buddhist and all-around “nice girl,” doing at a C.U. football party? We phoned Ms. Simpson’s residence in Springfield to find out. BART SIMPSON: Hello? THE MANIFEST: Holy shi—is this Bart? Bart Simpson?!? BS: Yeah, who the hell are you man? TM: Hi, I’m calling from The Manifest E-Zine in Boulder, Colorado, could we— BS: Boulder? Look, is this about the flaming bag of dog poo I put on the front steps of the Celestial Seasonings factory? Cuz I told those guys I was sorry already. TM: No, no, we want to talk to Lisa. BS: [Laughs] You want to talk to Lisa? No one calls for Lisa, she’s a total lose— [Sounds of struggle, a cat shrieks] LISA SIMPSON: Go away Bart -- Hello? TM: Lisa? LS: Yes? TM: Hi, I’m from The Manifest E-Zine in Boulder, Colorado, and I’d like to ask you about a few questions about the C.U. Football team. LS: What are you talking about? TM: You ARE Lisa Simpson, right? Your name has been all over CNN with allegations against the C.U. football team for being raped. LS: Raped? Is this some sort of joke? Buddy, I’m a CARTOON CHARACTER! TM: Well, yes, be that as it may, we’d still like to get a statement from you regarding the incident. As a committed Buddhist, we were wondering if you could say a few words about the more contemplative aspects of— LS: I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about. I have never been to Boulder, and I don’t know anything about this football scandal, so leave me alone. TM: Please Lisa, this call is costing us a lot of money. LS: Oh, I get it now, you guys don’t really want a statement from the actual Lisa Simpson who filed the claim, you’re just making a dumb joke out of the fact that she and I share the same name. Pretty pathetic guys. TM: No, seriously, we would like to know your opinion about it. [We hear what sounds like MARGE SIMPSON’S voice in the background: “Lisa, who is it? Hang up!”] LS: Look, I have to go. If you actually want to write about the incident, why don’t you get off your ass and do some real reporting? I don’t even exist! TM: Exactly! That’s why we want to talk to you! Your understanding of the nondual nature of all Manifestation and the concept of “no-self” is shockingly pristine for a child your age! LS: You want a Buddhist take on the C.U. football scandal? TM: Yeah, sorta. LS: Ok then [sighs], do you believe in Karma? TM: Sure. LS: And did you watch C.U. play last season? TM: Well, no, we were too busy— LS: Because they went 5-7, one of their worst seasons ever. TM: Yeah [groans], we heard. So what? LS: Is it any coincidence that it happened just two years after the alleged incidents took place? TM: Uh, maybe, what’s your point? LS: They basically got raped by every team they played. TM: So? LS: Payback’s a bitch, motherfucker. [Click] |
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