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ASK DR. WRATH The Redemption of Beavis & Butthead |
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| Dear Dr. Wrath, So me and my housemates just got the DISH Network put in with like 9000 channels and now every non-working, non-eating moment is spent in front of our 55" flat screen surfing the infinite colored waves of digital crack. The rest of my life, in the meantime, has faded to the periphery, and even my girlfriend has noted a profound change in me ("you'd think you'd be more laid-back, but you're just cranky!"). You'd think the editor of an award-deserving online magazine (yes, I'm the brains behind www.independentdrunk.com) would WANT to spend every waking moment writing, editing, expanding his market share, but NO: I need to watch the steroids episode of South Park again. And then the "dine-n-dash" episode of That 70s Show (again). And then Playing it Straight, and then The Apprentice, and then there's this Steven Seagal movie on at 10, and OH SHIT -- Erotic Confessions 7! and then.... Dude, not that I want you to, but can you like, uh, come to me in a dream or something and threaten to melt my brain if I don't drop the remote?!? Billy Bob Vidiot Kennesaw, GA Dear Billy Bob, Trust me, threatening you with a radiation suit and a Walkman will not be enough to pry your cognitive lips from the glass Direct TV teat, for what you are up against is one of the profound dilemmas in Buddhism and spirituality in general: the battle between the causal Nirvana-sucking Ascenders and the compassionate action of the "self and world are one!" Non-Dualists. As a TV addict, you are essentially behaving like an Ascender right now, hiding out in a formless, tasteless, odorless bliss as the Witness, resting as you passively observe a string of flat, illusory experiences. While TV is not the pure bliss that great mystics and sages have been ranting about over the course of millenia, if you have Showtime you know it's pretty damn close. See, You're basically a white trash Theravadan Buddhist, sitting on the ass of your soul and hiding out, addicted to the most profoundest of pleasures, while the world suffers. You're ignoring the great contribution of the newer Mahayana schools of Buddhism (Tibetan, Zen, etc): to give up bliss and go back to the world, working tirelessly so the rest of the world may know bliss too. Lest you think I'm suggesting you work for Comcast Cable, however, let me be more direct: your TV addiction is killing the planet. Each time you flick by CNN and see the starved look of a Haitian rebel or the dull smirk of a White House staffer, tell yourself "this is my fault." Each time you zip through QVC or the Home Shopping Network, remember that the overfed soccer moms dropping $54.95 on cubic zirconia and $125.99 on hand-stitched burgundy pantsuits you are laughing at are YOUR fault. But guilt isn't going to work with you, is it Bob? For as strong as the idea of helping an abandoned newborn climb out of a dumpster is, the relaxed, deadened buzz of the channel surf is stronger. So let's try a different tact: if you get off your ass and get a life, the TV you return to the next day will be better. The news on CNN will be happier, the storm clouds on the Weather Channel wispier, ESPN hockey scores higher. Sitcoms will be more about the Vimala Thakars and Phil Berrigans of the world, and less about fat dudes living in Queens. Reality shows shot in monasteries (The Initiate will replace The Apprentice), late night talk shows set in soup kitchens, harbor clean-ups led by the cast of The O.C.-- the possibilities are endless. You see Bob, you have something to contribute to the world behind the screen, and I don't mean your knack for plugging the speakers in correctly. Your mission is to redeem the hundreds of millions of collective hours spent by people just like you--dumpy Mountain Dew-pounding Man Show hecklers, zit-encrusted pre-teen Samurai Jack addicts, snarky metrosexual Trading Spaces devotees--as more than a complete waste of the precious life energy we up here in the Pure Land fucking gave you. But don't do it for us, shithead, do it for MTV. If you can find a way to turn yourself into the next Ramana Maharshi, maybe they'll play videos again. |
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| Burning alive with a question of cosmic curiosity? Ask DrWrath@the-manifest.org. All topics welcome, but don’t expect a “nice” answer. He is a deity of wrath, after all. |
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